Terrible Joke Thursday

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foogill
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Re: Terrible Joke Thursday

Unread post by foogill » December 12th, 2014, 12:09 pm

Kerry wouldn't get his mords wuddled, he's a fart smeller.

kerry460
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Re: Terrible Joke Thursday

Unread post by kerry460 » December 13th, 2014, 3:20 pm

hahaha , well commented people :lol: :lol:

why does a chicken coupe have two doors ????

if it had four , it would be a sedan .





what do you call a teenager that doesn't believe in santa ???

a rebel without a claus .




why is santa always smiling and happy ????

he knows where all the naughty girls live .

kerry
Mercedes Benz G WAGEN 300GD

MudChaser
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Re: Terrible Joke Thursday

Unread post by MudChaser » April 16th, 2015, 7:01 pm

Sex of a fly.jpg
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"What we are never changes But WHO WE ARE NEVER STOPS CHANGING!"
Doug Stanton

kiran92
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Location: Perth, WA

Re: Terrible Joke Thursday

Unread post by kiran92 » May 14th, 2015, 2:06 pm

Padyy the Irshman is walking along a beach one day when he spies someone in the ocean struggling and calling for help.

He dives in and swims out, towing the poor man back to shore.

On the beach the rescued swimmer says; "Oh god, thank you so much, you saved my life, whatever you want I'll give you anything"

Paddy replies; "Oh 'twas no bother"

THe swimmer insists.

Paddy relents; "Well, I've always wanted a small farm with 100 chickens"

The swimmer says; "Granted, I like chickens, i'll come and visit in a year and see hwo you're doing"

A year passes,

The swimmer visits paddy.
"So paddy, how are the chickens?"
"Oh it's tragic, they're all dead!" wails Paddy.

"Not to worry, i'll buy you another 100 and see you next year"
...a year passess
The swimmer visits paddy.
"So paddy, how are the chickens?"
"Oh it's tragic, they're all dead AGAIN!" wails Paddy.

"WHAT? WHat are you doing with them?"

Paddy Replies; "Well, I don't know if I'm planting them too deep, or too far apart!"
I work for my weekends... and damn it, I WILL enjoy them

nilla60
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Re: Terrible Joke Thursday

Unread post by nilla60 » May 28th, 2015, 6:40 pm

Mick got a job on the railway that was being built.

His job was to take rocks from the tunnel with a wheel barrow and tip it in the mullock heap.

It wasn't the most exciting job, it wasn't the best paying job. It was a bit dull, but it was a job.

The only thing he could stand was that the wheel barrow had a squeaky wheel.

All day, day after day, the squeaky wheel would slowly go,

Squeaaak.... Squeaaak.... Squeaaak.... Squeaaak.... Squeaaak....

And drive him nuts.

So after a month, he couldn't stand it any longer and complained to the boss,

"The wheel, it just goes Squeaaak.... Squeaaak.... Squeaaak.... Squeaaak.... Squeaaak.... "

So the boss fired him on the spot.

Mick was aghast, "Why???" he asked.

The boss explained,

"The wheel should go, Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! "

typhoeus
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Re: Terrible Joke Thursday

Unread post by typhoeus » June 11th, 2015, 6:49 pm

Tony was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so Tony bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out his efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Tony's favourite rooster, Joe, was a very fine specimen, but this one morning he noticed that Joe's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, Joe had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of Joe, that he entered him in the Easter Show, and Joe became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The judges not only awarded Joe the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the " Pulletsurprise" as well.


Clearly Joe was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention


Vote carefully in the next election --- you can't always hear the bells. . . . . . , and remember, even if those bells were ringing loud and strong, there are still those who would choose not to hear them!!!…..

V Williamson
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Re: Terrible Joke Thursday

Unread post by V Williamson » June 11th, 2015, 10:12 pm

true story... happened earlier tonight at home....

me: I have put in a reservation for a copy of Windows 10 for the main computer. How come its free?
young bloke: mumble mumble about something...
me: so what happened to "Windows 9"? I mean you get a free copy of 10 if you have 7 or 8 or 8.1.
young bloke: that's because windows 7 8 9....

Oh dear, I've heard a variation on that one before.....

Flathead Fred
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Re: Terrible Joke Thursday

Unread post by Flathead Fred » June 21st, 2015, 8:03 pm

What do you call a bloke with a map on his head?

Miles :lol:

typhoeus
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Re: Terrible Joke Thursday

Unread post by typhoeus » June 26th, 2015, 10:15 pm

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

kerry460
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Re: Terrible Joke Thursday

Unread post by kerry460 » June 27th, 2015, 1:50 am

hahahaha

kerry
Mercedes Benz G WAGEN 300GD

typhoeus
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Joined: February 6th, 2011, 8:25 pm

Re: Terrible Joke Thursday

Unread post by typhoeus » July 9th, 2015, 6:36 pm

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under
the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler.

I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS . . . . .

the silence lasted about 5 seconds


The room erupted in applause!




DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!

kerry460
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Joined: June 29th, 2005, 7:42 pm
Location: launceston, TAS

Re: Terrible Joke Thursday

Unread post by kerry460 » July 9th, 2015, 9:31 pm

hahaha
Mercedes Benz G WAGEN 300GD

nilla60
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Re: Terrible Joke Thursday

Unread post by nilla60 » July 9th, 2015, 10:10 pm

During said exam, the Dr said, "Don't worry, it's perfectly normal to get hard during these procedures".

I said, "That's OK Doc, I'm not" and the Dr replied,

"Who said I was talking about you?"

Gary_M
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Re: Terrible Joke Thursday

Unread post by Gary_M » July 9th, 2015, 10:55 pm

Tony: "I hear you got married again Mike."
Mike:"Yes, for the fourth time."
Tony: "What happened to your first three wives?"
Mike: "They all died."
Tony: "I'm sorry, I didn't know. That's terrible How did they die?"
Mike: "The first ate poisonous mushrooms."
Tony: "How awful! What about the second?"
Mike: "She ate poisonous mushrooms."
Tony: "Oh no. What about the third? Did she die from poisonous mushrooms too?"
Mike: "No, she died of a broken neck."
Tony: "I see, an accident."
Mike: "Not exactly - she wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

Gary_M
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Re: Terrible Joke Thursday

Unread post by Gary_M » July 9th, 2015, 10:57 pm

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?" The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?" The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

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