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Just For Laughs
Posted: December 20th, 2009, 10:06 am
If you have a funny story or a joke to share, this (hopefully) will be the place to post it. So to start if off, here is some that I have collected.
A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.
His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.
“Have a nice soak in the bath and I’ll bring you a drink” she suggested smiling.
“Good idea” says the husband, looking forward to being waited on
He’s in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.
“if there’s anything else you’d like just call,”
says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.
When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.
A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer’s evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer.
“What the heck is that for?” asks the husband snappily.
“Oh Darling,” says the wife, flustered,
"I thought I heard you say, Whataboutahottawaterbottle
Posted: December 21st, 2009, 6:35 pm
For The STRESSED
Grant me the serenity to accept
Things I cannot change, the courage
To change things I cannot accept,
And wisdom to hide the bodies of
Those that I had to kill today because
They got on my nerves.
And also, help me to be careful of
The toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the feet I
May have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work
12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday,
And 5% on Friday.
And help me to remember
When I’m having a bad day and it seems
That people are trying to wind me up, it
Takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile
And only four to extend my arm and
Smack someone in the mouth!
Posted: December 24th, 2009, 7:24 am
My 1st day at Bunnings
So after landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter, a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all theway through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone
slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Posted: December 24th, 2009, 5:33 pm
Thats the best!!!
I'll give it to my son he started recently at Bunnings!!
Posted: December 27th, 2009, 11:18 am
Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8 . Full Personality Disorder-- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ..
10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe
12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
13. Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.
Posted: December 30th, 2009, 1:02 pm
OLD GROWTH TIMBER
The head Greenie Tree Hugging Lady Activist, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks & State Forests, was climbing a big tree to have a look out over the forestry when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
In a panic to make her escape, she slid down the tree, getting many splinters in the crotch of her designer shorts. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest Doctor, told him she was an environmentalist, and how she got all the splinters.
The Doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for three hours before the Doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded: "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her: "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, National Parks and Wildlife Service, Rural Fire Service, and Conservation and Land Management, before I could remove "Old Growth Timber" from a recreational area.
"I am sorry but they turned me down."
Posted: December 30th, 2009, 1:33 pm
^^^ AHHHHHH nasty ROFL
Posted: December 30th, 2009, 4:13 pm
OOOOUUUUUCCCCCHHHHHHHHH I'm laughing so hard my sides are hurting
Posted: December 30th, 2009, 9:19 pm
This is actually from a US newspaper..
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Posted: December 31st, 2009, 12:05 am
hmmm not really a good citizen, he just admitted to: credit card fraud, carrying concealed weapon in public, threating to case bodily harm with concealed weapon, theft, vandalism of private property, threatening the life of the president, using telecommunication equipment to make threats, and whatever else could come out of that, and then writing to the newspaper editorial section (im guessing) to brag about it he could do a very lengthy prison time for what was admitted, all in the name of saving some petty cash and jewllery
Posted: December 31st, 2009, 8:57 am
agreed outbackcruisa....would make for an interesting court case if investigated.....
the guy kinda took the whole revenge thing a little too seriously.....
Posted: December 31st, 2009, 3:04 pm
I can only think of 2 people that are taking this a little bit seriously:crazy::crazy:
Reread the thread name maybe.
Posted: December 31st, 2009, 4:06 pm
Spring Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Tuesday, May 11, 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Posted: December 31st, 2009, 10:26 pm
cac wrote:agreed outbackcruisa....would make for an interesting court case if investigated.....
the guy kinda took the whole revenge thing a little too seriously.....
outback cruisa wrote:hmmm not really a good citizen, he just admitted to: credit card fraud, carrying concealed weapon in public, threating to case bodily harm with concealed weapon, theft, vandalism of private property, threatening the life of the president, using telecommunication equipment to make threats, and whatever else could come out of that, and then writing to the newspaper editorial section (im guessing) to brag about it he could do a very lengthy prison time for what was admitted, all in the name of saving some petty cash and jewllery
Are u guys serious?
Posted: January 2nd, 2010, 8:04 am
Memo to all employees:
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS.
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING.
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T any more, and are full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS.
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION.
This course emphasises how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.
P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T.
Thank you for your time.
The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training