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Re: Just For Laughs

Posted: January 9th, 2016, 7:39 am
by MudChaser
A mum visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious...

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, her son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just
roommates and nothing more."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

"Dear Mum,
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son."

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

"Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mum. xx"

Re: Just For Laughs

Posted: January 13th, 2016, 5:54 pm
by Captain Cupcake
Back on January 4th,
a group of Ocala Florida bikers were riding east on Hwy.40 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Blackwater Bridge.

So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley,
walks through a group of gawkers,
past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive,"
George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . .
"Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering tongue swapping kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies,
the onlookers,
and even the State Trooper,
and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Re: Just For Laughs

Posted: January 15th, 2016, 9:27 pm
by Captain Cupcake
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent." :lol:

Re: Just For Laughs

Posted: January 27th, 2016, 3:47 pm
by MudChaser
When you are dead..jpg

Re: Just For Laughs

Posted: January 28th, 2016, 2:31 pm
by Shann Low
Guy doing his early morning exercise run, takes a lap thru the local cemetery, when he spots a guy squatted down behind a headstone, so he yells a salutary greeting -

"Morning!".

Guy looks up and replies -

"No just taking a dump behind this here headstone!". :lol:

Re: Just For Laughs

Posted: January 28th, 2016, 8:23 pm
by V Williamson
IMG_9059_1_1.JPG
One for the campfire... a true story as well (oh alright, some embellishment...)!

Back in days gone by, one of the most essential, but most un-esteemed workers was the sanitary pan man. You know, the dunny man, the nightman, the night soil collector. In those days, the "outhouse" was exactly that. A small building some distance from the main dwelling that was the haunt of the redback spiders. And huntsmans as well. Inside was the throne. A cylindrical cover with a toilet seat and lid sat over the can.
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Once a week, usually in the dead of night, Dan the man (apologies to any Dan’s reading – consider that you had a famous namesake...) would carry in a “new” pan which was a metal bucket that had been given a bitumen coating on the inside before its dispatch for duty. Dan puts the can down, lifts the seat and cover off the old can and puts it over the new can. Dan carries a lid which fits over the top of the old can, which when full probably had a mass of 30kg if I can recall that the can or pan, whatever you want to call it, had a capacity of about 30 litres or so. The old can is heaved onto Dan’s shoulder and off he goes back to his truck – sometimes called a 40 door sedan and repeats the process down the street. We just don't talk about where the full ones go...

Mind you, Dan worked rain hail or moonshine, hot or cold, blowing a gale or not, through any storm and lightning. But you never met him – nobody seemed to want to.

But go back before motor trucks, and Dan did the night run with a faithful horse. A nice big cart horse, probably either a Shire or Clydesdale. The thing about the horse was it knew the run and the ropes. Plod along, stop here, move along, stop again etc. Don’t worry about putting the brakes on the night soil cart being pulled along. The horse knew when that pan was being delivered, it was time to move up for the next one which it did on its own.

Anyway, Grandpa was out late one night and came home just as Dan and his nag were doing the street for the week. Of anything Grandpa was good at, which was plenty mind you, ...could he let out a roar when he sneezed. If it happened inside the house, the roof would lift off and the house would move 3 foot sideways on its foundations! Loud – well they seem to mention jumbo jets on takeoff, or loud rock concerts, but for the duration, Grandpa’s sneeze wasn’t far behind!

So here’s Grandpa in the dead of night just about home, and something gets up his nose.... I’ll have to leave you to guess what it might have sounded like when he let rip .... but then it was nothing compared to Dan’s language when his faithful nag shied at the noise and took off down the road with the fastest nightsoil cart ever seen in those parts!
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Re: Just For Laughs

Posted: January 28th, 2016, 8:25 pm
by V Williamson
I heard that one time Dan also let a sneeze rip just as he was loading up his cart. His false teeth flew out and into the contents of one pan, but I understand he wasn't worried. He'd find 'em again at the depot...

Re: Just For Laughs

Posted: January 28th, 2016, 8:31 pm
by V Williamson
And then Grandma loved her garden. She had Grandpa build a nice arch trellis over the garden path. Looking nice in flower, but otherwise possessing those obnoxious thorns, Grandma planted a Bougainvillea to grow over the trellis.

Well that vine or plant or whateve... oops Grandma liked it, so that is that.... continued to grow.

One night Dan has the weeks takings on his shoulder and is on his way back to the cart when one of the Bougainvillea thorns hooks up with the pan and it empties all down Dan's back...

Re: Just For Laughs

Posted: February 3rd, 2016, 4:24 pm
by MudChaser
Emu.jpg
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same..'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

Re: Just For Laughs

Posted: February 8th, 2016, 4:26 pm
by MudChaser
Psycho.jpg

Re: Just For Laughs

Posted: February 19th, 2016, 8:40 am
by feet in 2 camps
What has 60 pistins & flies? A Nightcart.

Re: Just For Laughs

Posted: March 25th, 2016, 7:07 am
by Captain Cupcake
So, I rang a supplier this afternoon to query a stocked item.

In speaking with the male employee, he jokingly tells me: "OK. You win the booby prize with that question!"

I responded with: "Damn it!! I've been waiting for nearly 30 years for them to grow and now you're telling me all I had to do was WIN them?! Wait until I tell my Ma about this..."

The brief sound of shocked silence on the other end of the phone was quickly replaced by the loudest roar of laughter, followed by much coughing, choking and wheezing.

Re: Just For Laughs

Posted: April 15th, 2016, 7:40 pm
by Captain Cupcake
Indian Taxi Driver

If you’ve ever heard an Indian taxi driver you'll love this one...

A drunken totally naked woman jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in Brisbane, Australia.

The Indian driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a nude woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody starring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!"

Re: Just For Laughs

Posted: June 24th, 2016, 4:39 pm
by MudChaser
Crim record.png

Re: Just For Laughs

Posted: October 12th, 2016, 4:38 pm
by Captain Cupcake
JENNY CRAIG ~ FOR MEN

A Bloke calls the company and orders their 5 day – 5 kgs weight loss programme.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

The sign reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few kilometres later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kgs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5 day – 10 kgs programme.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 kgs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day – 25 kgs programme.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone..
'This is our most rigorous programme.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31 kgs that week. .. ..