Just For Laughs

For the stuff that's NOT 4WD related, here's where you can come on in and discuss it, but do play nice!
Captain Cupcake
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Location: Narangba, QLD

Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by Captain Cupcake » March 16th, 2014, 8:33 am

Training
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”
“Thank you very much, sir.”

Captain Cupcake
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Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by Captain Cupcake » March 28th, 2014, 5:06 pm

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then, Little Johnny the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," Johnny replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said Little Johnny............."It's a puppy!"

my80days
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Location: Maitland back yard to the watagans......

Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by my80days » March 29th, 2014, 1:30 am

That's a cracker captain, love it.....
DON'T FENCE ME OUT.......I'LL LOOK AFTER IT........YOU DONT HAVE TO BE A GREENY TO LOVE IT.......

chris_stoffa
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Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by chris_stoffa » March 30th, 2014, 9:58 pm

Guy at work was discussing the fact that he and his wife after 10 years of marriage had decided to experiment in their sex life.

He said, "We have started Doggie Style'.......... I beg, She plays dead"

:D :D
03 Bravo 2.5TD DCab

Captain Cupcake
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Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by Captain Cupcake » April 6th, 2014, 4:10 pm

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."

kevthekiwi
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Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by kevthekiwi » April 7th, 2014, 6:10 pm

A cute young girl walks into a pet shop, peers over the counter and says to the owner
Do you sell Bunny Rabbits?
The owner replys.
Do you want a nice soft black bunny, or a fluffy white one.
The young girl replys..
Mister... I don't think my Python gives a f.........k
Your Karma.

Just ran over my Dogma

The Missus
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Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by The Missus » April 9th, 2014, 4:21 pm

HOW TO STOP CHURCH GOSSIP

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He simply said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)
Adventure before dementia!

my80days
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Location: Maitland back yard to the watagans......

Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by my80days » April 10th, 2014, 1:18 am

ha ha Franks from the old school ,What a champ.....
DON'T FENCE ME OUT.......I'LL LOOK AFTER IT........YOU DONT HAVE TO BE A GREENY TO LOVE IT.......

Captain Cupcake
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Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by Captain Cupcake » April 13th, 2014, 3:31 pm

Airplane


After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that "we're just waiting for the pilots."

The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.

The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.

In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

kevthekiwi
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Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by kevthekiwi » April 19th, 2014, 2:52 am

2 people in USA are being sued for 2 million dollars for burning down an apartment complex
they were cooking a fruit bat with a blow torch,
Iam no accountant
But I don't think they have 2 million dollars
Your Karma.

Just ran over my Dogma

Captain Cupcake
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Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by Captain Cupcake » May 22nd, 2014, 8:06 am

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices
a sign out of the corner of his eye...
It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

'What may we do for you! my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY

THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Captain Cupcake
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Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by Captain Cupcake » May 28th, 2014, 4:21 pm

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS


Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Woolworths.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Forward this now, (especially) to all your mature friends...... it will be their laugh for the day. lmao

Captain Cupcake
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Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by Captain Cupcake » June 17th, 2014, 4:40 pm

A group of 'kindergartners' were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.

Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.

You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'

( I love this... )

Alex thought real hard about it,

then puffed out his chest with great pride,

and said,

'Winnie the *****'

:p You can guess what he said :p

V Williamson
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Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by V Williamson » June 17th, 2014, 8:20 pm

Captain Cupcake wrote:
I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS


...
Seeing this one (it has done the email rounds as well, but that's ok) reminded me of a Barry Humphries story that involved him being banned from flying TAA (all those years ago) after making an air hostess (as they were then known) quite sick.

I crosschecked and found in Wikipedia concerning Humphries, the following:

"Humphries was legendary for his provocative public pranks. One infamous example involved Humphries dressing as a Frenchman, with an accomplice dressed as a blind person; the accomplice would board a tram, followed soon after by Humphries. At the appropriate juncture Humphries would force his way past the "blind" man, yelling "Get out of my way, you disgusting blind person", kicking him viciously in the shins and then jumping off the tram and making his escape in a waiting car.
An even more extreme example was his notorious "sick bag" prank. This involved carrying on to an aircraft a tin of Golden Circle fruit salad, which he would then surreptitiously empty into an air-sickness bag. At the appropriate point in the flight, he would pretend to vomit loudly and violently into the bag. Then, to the horror of passengers and crew, he would proceed to eat the contents. One April Fools' Day Humphries placed a roast dinner and glass of champagne in an inner-city rubbish bin. Later in the morning, when there were many businesspeople queuing at a nearby building, Humphries approached the group as a dirty, dishevelled man. He walked to the bin, opened the lid and proceeded to lift the roast and glass of champagne and drink from the glass. Much to the amazement of watchers-by, he found a suitable seating area and began to eat the meal. Such stunts were the early manifestations of a lifelong interest in the bizarre, discomforting and subversive."

The things that are done in the name of art..... (and I heard it was "3 bean mix", not fruit salad).

The Missus
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Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by The Missus » June 26th, 2014, 11:38 am

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon
until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time: weightlifters, wharfies, All Blacks and
Warriors players including Russell Packer, etc., but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick
glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try
the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK", grabbed the
lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind
to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as
the man clenched his little fist around the lemon ..... and six drops fell
into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little
man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter,
or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for the Australian Tax Department”
Adventure before dementia!

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