Just For Laughs

For the stuff that's NOT 4WD related, here's where you can come on in and discuss it, but do play nice!
foogill
Need to get out more
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Joined: December 16th, 2007, 4:26 pm

Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by foogill » February 2nd, 2014, 4:30 pm

Why is it that if a scientist tells you something, it's always questioned-global warming, immunisation, cancer etc.

A taxi driver tells you something, never questioned-That bloke off the radio is a DH, she's a trollop.

SparkieKev
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Joined: December 9th, 2012, 11:36 pm
Location: Sunny Coast, QLD

Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by SparkieKev » February 3rd, 2014, 12:44 am

2 cows in a paddock.
1st cow says 'mooooo'
2nd cow says '*****! I was going to say that'
Supercharged 6.5L chev diesel GU wagon build thread here:
viewtopic.php?f=187&t=138695

chris_stoffa
Need to get out more
Posts: 4735
Joined: July 5th, 2008, 9:12 pm
Location: Wandering in the Wilderness of the Western Burbs of Melbourne., VIC

Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by chris_stoffa » February 3rd, 2014, 6:13 am

SparkieKev wrote:2 cows in a paddock.
1st cow says 'mooooo'
2nd cow says '****! I was going to say that'
**** me, a talking cow !!!
03 Bravo 2.5TD DCab

AGU
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Posts: 452
Joined: May 6th, 2013, 2:02 pm

Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by AGU » February 3rd, 2014, 12:14 pm

A cow by the name of **** and Chris wants someone to **** him cause he heard a talking cow. I`m not going there. :lol:

Flathead Fred
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Posts: 433
Joined: October 26th, 2012, 9:17 pm

Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by Flathead Fred » February 4th, 2014, 8:26 pm

Kiddies, the following video is a very good example of why you should stay away from drugs. Because drugs are bad, m-kay.

In particular, look for the most bizarre answer to a question EVER at 0:57

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YK7J0jYKpiY

The Missus
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Posts: 839
Joined: October 21st, 2011, 12:52 pm

Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by The Missus » February 5th, 2014, 11:50 am

This had me laughing til I cried, it's hilarious.

Lizard Birth

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . . its. . teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!
Adventure before dementia!

Quickboats
Here and there
Posts: 20
Joined: October 28th, 2013, 12:42 pm
Location: Perth, WA

Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by Quickboats » February 5th, 2014, 4:07 pm

Captain Cupcake wrote:Question

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window
Teacher : who just threw that?!
Boy : Me! I’m going home now.
Clever little boy! haha

my80days
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Joined: January 6th, 2013, 12:29 pm
Location: Maitland back yard to the watagans......

Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by my80days » February 25th, 2014, 9:30 am

Its Friday afternoon and the teacher says to her class I'm going to give you all a quiz on what you learned throughout the week and if you answer a question correctly you can go home early. So the teacher asked a question and Mary sung lee answers the question correctly, very good Mary sung lee, see you Monday, Suishi may sin answers the next question correct, very good Suishi may sin, see you Monday, Little johnny mumbles under his breath I hate Asians, the teacher says WHO SAID THAT little johnny raises his hand and says PAULINE HANSON miss see ya Monday. :lol:


This is not a crack at Asians. Its a crack at Pauline Hanson..... :irked:
DON'T FENCE ME OUT.......I'LL LOOK AFTER IT........YOU DONT HAVE TO BE A GREENY TO LOVE IT.......

Flathead Fred
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Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by Flathead Fred » February 25th, 2014, 11:00 am

Three good old country boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The cowboy from Mudgee fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"ou may pass through the pearly gates"Saint Peter said.

The logger from Gunnedah reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The old Narrabri farmer started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The Cocky replied, "These are Carols."

Flathead Fred
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Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by Flathead Fred » February 25th, 2014, 11:00 am

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she'd stood him up.

Flathead Fred
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Joined: October 26th, 2012, 9:17 pm

Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by Flathead Fred » February 25th, 2014, 11:01 am

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher... I sew da elastic onto ladies knickers and thongs..... "

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 euros a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter."

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 euros a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: Yep, diesel fitter."

Flathead Fred
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Joined: October 26th, 2012, 9:17 pm

Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by Flathead Fred » February 25th, 2014, 11:05 am

Prime Minister Gillard walks into the Commonwealth Bank to cash a cheque. As she approaches the cashier she says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure, ma'am. Could you please show me your ID?"

Gillard: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Prime Minister Julia Gillard, Prime Minister of Australia."

Cashier: "Yes, ma'am, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Gillard: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Gillard: "I am urging you to please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look, ma'am, here's what we can do. One day Greg Norman came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Greg Norman, he pulled out his sand wedge and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Greg Norman and cashed his cheque. Another time, Pat Cash came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque. So, what can you do to prove that you are really the Prime Minister of Australia?"

Gillard stood there thinking, and thinking, and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I haven't got a clue."

Cashier: "Good enough, ma'am, Would you like large or small notes?

AGU
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Joined: May 6th, 2013, 2:02 pm

Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by AGU » February 25th, 2014, 12:41 pm

Little Johnny was in class one day and he let one rip. The teacher said "Stop that Johnny!" Little Johnny replied, "Yes Miss, which way did it go?"

my80days
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Joined: January 6th, 2013, 12:29 pm
Location: Maitland back yard to the watagans......

Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by my80days » February 25th, 2014, 3:20 pm

First day back at school after the weekend and the teacher asked the kids what they did on the weekend. Little Johnny said, "I put fire crackers up frog's arses" The teacher replied "Rectum Johnny, rectum!" To which Johnny replied "Sure did, Miss......."
DON'T FENCE ME OUT.......I'LL LOOK AFTER IT........YOU DONT HAVE TO BE A GREENY TO LOVE IT.......

Peter Aawen
Admin
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Joined: June 17th, 2005, 8:01 pm

Re: Just For Laughs

Unread post by Peter Aawen » February 25th, 2014, 3:23 pm

To which Johnny replied "Sure did, Miss....... damn near killed the b********d's!" :D
An Ex-Service person is someone who thought enough about their country & how great it is, how lucky we are to live here, to write a blank cheque made out to 'The People and Commonwealth of Australia' for the value of 'Up to & including my Life!'

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