Just For Laughs

For the stuff that's NOT 4WD related, here's where you can come on in and discuss it, but do play nice!
Captain Cupcake
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Posts: 643
Joined: November 4th, 2007, 12:05 pm
Location: Narangba, QLD

Unread post by Captain Cupcake » February 28th, 2010, 2:41 pm

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door
. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband (soaking wet)

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark..

'Where are you?' asks the husband..

'Over here on the swing!' replied the drunk.
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Captain Cupcake
Avid Poster
Posts: 643
Joined: November 4th, 2007, 12:05 pm
Location: Narangba, QLD

Unread post by Captain Cupcake » March 10th, 2010, 10:13 pm

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet,
he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!"
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thedjs
Part of the furniture
Posts: 1137
Joined: February 16th, 2010, 4:13 pm
Location: Rockhampton

Unread post by thedjs » March 11th, 2010, 12:10 am

Banned from Bunnings for good.

I was looking at building an entertainment area with a wooden floor.
After finding someone and telling them my idea, the reply I got was,
"You need decking!"

I tell ya what he was a big bloke and I was glad I got the first punch in!!!

So I'm not allowed there anymore. . . .
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the tent gone.

My Shed: http://bit.ly/bYa2Nz

BMKal
Part of the furniture
Posts: 1387
Joined: February 8th, 2007, 2:50 pm

Old Age

Unread post by BMKal » March 12th, 2010, 2:03 pm

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always
[font=&quot]feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and [/font]
[font=&quot]nothing comes out."[/font]

[font=&quot]"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old.[/font]
[font=&quot]"When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You [/font]
[font=&quot]take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes [/font]
[font=&quot]out!"[/font]

[font=&quot]"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."[/font]

[font=&quot]"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.[/font]

[font=&quot]"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat [/font]
[font=&quot]rock; no problem at all."[/font]

[font=&quot]"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"[/font]

[font=&quot]"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."[/font]

[font=&quot]Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and [/font]
[font=&quot]poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"[/font]
[font=&quot][/font]
[font=&quot]"I don't wake up until 7:00."[/font]

BMKal
Part of the furniture
Posts: 1387
Joined: February 8th, 2007, 2:50 pm

Unread post by BMKal » March 12th, 2010, 2:18 pm

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure aint." said the man.

"Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep" was the calm reply. "And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years..."

BMKal
Part of the furniture
Posts: 1387
Joined: February 8th, 2007, 2:50 pm

Unread post by BMKal » March 12th, 2010, 2:22 pm

Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

BMKal
Part of the furniture
Posts: 1387
Joined: February 8th, 2007, 2:50 pm

Unread post by BMKal » March 12th, 2010, 2:25 pm

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
could become, asked the girl to describe the incident..

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!,Ffffff," but before she could say 'F*** Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

Captain Cupcake
Avid Poster
Posts: 643
Joined: November 4th, 2007, 12:05 pm
Location: Narangba, QLD

Unread post by Captain Cupcake » March 13th, 2010, 1:24 pm

The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the
last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Danish."
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murdman87
Been here a while
Posts: 185
Joined: August 20th, 2009, 12:37 am
Location: home

Unread post by murdman87 » March 14th, 2010, 4:08 pm

a bloke walks into a donation centre, fills out his form and takes a seat. while waiting, he spots a gorgeous young blonde out of the corner of his eye. he moves over a little closer and says: 'here to donate blood are you? its a wonderfull thing to do!"
the woman replies 'yeah, and they give me $5 and a cookie! are you donating blood too?'
the man says no, im here to donate my sperm, they give me $20 for that!

the blonde gets a bemused look on her face, and the man is called into his little room.

a few months later, the man returns to the donation centre, and spots the same girl. he walks up to her and asks 'donating blood again?'

the girl looks up at him, and without opening her mouth, shakes her head and mutters 'uh-uh'


hope that makes sense, cant remember the original wording
:D
If an Aussie be in strife, thee shall assist them and demandeth no reward
If thou art assisted, thou shall showeth thy gratitude, and offer compensation if thy misfortunes result in damage of property

Peter Aawen
Admin
Posts: 20780
Joined: June 17th, 2005, 8:01 pm

Unread post by Peter Aawen » March 14th, 2010, 4:35 pm

Er, Remember the 'G' Rating fellas!
An Ex-Service person is someone who thought enough about their country & how great it is, how lucky we are to live here, to write a blank cheque made out to 'The People and Commonwealth of Australia' for the value of 'Up to & including my Life!'

Captain Cupcake
Avid Poster
Posts: 643
Joined: November 4th, 2007, 12:05 pm
Location: Narangba, QLD

Unread post by Captain Cupcake » March 15th, 2010, 3:54 pm

Peter @ Aawen4x4 wrote:Er, Remember the 'G' Rating fellas!
Point taken.

I didn't think that my latest posting was that bad.
But if it is, I will gladly remove it.
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Peter Aawen
Admin
Posts: 20780
Joined: June 17th, 2005, 8:01 pm

Unread post by Peter Aawen » March 15th, 2010, 6:47 pm

I left yours chuckanoo, even tho it might be construed by some to be pushing the envelope cos it's got that little word in it ;) but it was the one that came immediately after yours that got deleted and really resulted in the warning.
An Ex-Service person is someone who thought enough about their country & how great it is, how lucky we are to live here, to write a blank cheque made out to 'The People and Commonwealth of Australia' for the value of 'Up to & including my Life!'

Ezookiel
Need to get out more
Posts: 2598
Joined: August 21st, 2006, 3:37 pm
Location: ACT

Unread post by Ezookiel » March 15th, 2010, 7:37 pm

A guy gets home from a holiday through Europe, and is telling his workmates at the furniture store he works for, all about the trip. Their first question is whether he'd met any hot women. So he starts telling them about one night in Paris where he met the most amazing woman.
He said, "She spoke no English, and I spoke no French. To get by, we used drawings"
He said, "I drew a picture of a plate, knife, and fork, and she nodded enthusiastically" "So I took her out for dinner"
"I drew a couple dancing and she took me to a great dance club where we danced late into the night"
"After we danced" he said, "She grabbed my pen and paper, and drew a bed"
"You know" he said, "It was as if we needed no communication, we just knew instinctively what the other was thinking" "But it has me beat how the hell she'd worked out that I sell furniture"
2010 MN Triton GLX-R 2.5 Turbo Diesel. High Line Canopy, MMCS, Colour Matched ARB Deluxe Winchbar, Safari Snorkel, Ironman Suspension lift, and reverse camera.

[url=http://www.4x4him.org]Bringing the Christian Rock Crawling community a little closer[/url]

Tracey J
Posts: 93
Joined: June 16th, 2009, 11:22 am

Unread post by Tracey J » March 16th, 2010, 10:53 am

A Queensland jackaroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,
'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,'
Says the Jackaroo.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Jackaroo says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
'Okay, why not?'
'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackaroo.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie,
'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for,
You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.'

BMKal
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Joined: February 8th, 2007, 2:50 pm

Unread post by BMKal » March 16th, 2010, 1:14 pm

Good one Tracey. Not far off the mark either. :thumb:

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