Just For Laughs

For the stuff that's NOT 4WD related, here's where you can come on in and discuss it, but do play nice!
Captain Cupcake
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Posts: 643
Joined: November 4th, 2007, 12:05 pm
Location: Narangba, QLD

Unread post by Captain Cupcake » January 4th, 2010, 6:33 pm

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
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OZZYLUX
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Posts: 960
Joined: December 28th, 2009, 6:21 pm

Unread post by OZZYLUX » January 4th, 2010, 6:52 pm

this ones a bit old but i think its funny.

there was a plane flying over america and both engines failed and it had 5 passengers
the world smartest man, the worlds richest man, the pilot, a boy and the boys grandpa but theres a problem theres only 4 parachutes
the pilot says i have many more planes to fly so he grabs a chute and jumps
the world richest man says i have many more things to buy so he grabs a chute and jumps
the world smartest man says i have many more things to invent he grabs a chute and jumps
the grampa says to the boy ive lived my life you take the last chute the boy says to his grampa no need the worlds smartest man took my backpack.

Captain Cupcake
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Posts: 643
Joined: November 4th, 2007, 12:05 pm
Location: Narangba, QLD

Unread post by Captain Cupcake » January 12th, 2010, 4:55 pm

A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store.

He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack.

Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said,
'And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside.'
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Captain Cupcake
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Posts: 643
Joined: November 4th, 2007, 12:05 pm
Location: Narangba, QLD

Unread post by Captain Cupcake » January 16th, 2010, 6:38 am

CINDERELLA was now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship..
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension..'
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'..
The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young Body returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes...
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...



'Bet you're sorry you neutered me..'
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Captain Cupcake
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Posts: 643
Joined: November 4th, 2007, 12:05 pm
Location: Narangba, QLD

Unread post by Captain Cupcake » January 18th, 2010, 11:22 am

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.... no one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, ....
"If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, ....
"If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the
college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause, .

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, . "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his fore head with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Screw the Preacher!"
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itchyback
Been here a while
Posts: 228
Joined: September 3rd, 2009, 5:37 pm
Location: Logan

Unread post by itchyback » January 18th, 2010, 2:26 pm

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life
,?I don't know what it is'.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers
above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son ....... "Go get your mother"
'04 Rodeo TDI, Stock, boring, but this isnt a fashion show

cac
Need to get out more
Posts: 7008
Joined: August 29th, 2007, 9:38 pm

Unread post by cac » February 2nd, 2010, 3:15 pm

There once was a man who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ??? Everyone knows you can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!
LN106 Hilux Project

http://www.4wdaction.com.au/forum/viewtopic.php?f=22&t=82487

Aaron Schubert
Need to get out more
Posts: 4682
Joined: November 9th, 2009, 7:32 pm

Unread post by Aaron Schubert » February 2nd, 2010, 6:35 pm

LOL

Aaron
Looking for somewhere to go 4WDing in WA? Check out WA 4WD Tracks

My 80 Series Landcruiser

Run A Muck
Here and there
Posts: 89
Joined: July 23rd, 2007, 6:34 pm
Location: Townsville

Unread post by Run A Muck » February 20th, 2010, 5:51 pm

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?" said the farmer.
"No mate, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No mate, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
[font=Tahoma][size=100][color=navy][b]I've spent most of my money on women & beer. [/b][/color][/size][/font]
[font=Tahoma][size=100][color=navy][b]The rest I've just wasted...!! :drink:[/b][/color][/size][/font]

Captain Cupcake
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Location: Narangba, QLD

Unread post by Captain Cupcake » February 22nd, 2010, 4:55 pm

Tiger and the Pope
The Pope and Tiger woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, And after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologies the Pope

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods,

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late"
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Petes 80
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Joined: July 31st, 2009, 11:44 am

Unread post by Petes 80 » February 22nd, 2010, 6:41 pm

Paddy's fingers
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said,'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said,
' How da [email="f#@k"]f#@k[/email] was I 'spose to pick them up !!!
[color=#FF00BF]1994 GXL 80 Series Cruiser, Lifted, Unlocked, Auto.
Ready for the fun out on the tracks[/color]

Petes 80
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Posts: 372
Joined: July 31st, 2009, 11:44 am

Unread post by Petes 80 » February 22nd, 2010, 6:42 pm

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. Now how soon can I go home?"
[color=#FF00BF]1994 GXL 80 Series Cruiser, Lifted, Unlocked, Auto.
Ready for the fun out on the tracks[/color]

Petes 80
Been here a while
Posts: 372
Joined: July 31st, 2009, 11:44 am

Unread post by Petes 80 » February 22nd, 2010, 6:44 pm

....
[color=#FF00BF]1994 GXL 80 Series Cruiser, Lifted, Unlocked, Auto.
Ready for the fun out on the tracks[/color]

Simpson
Here and there
Posts: 92
Joined: September 9th, 2009, 7:33 pm

Unread post by Simpson » February 22nd, 2010, 7:15 pm

hahahahahahah thats to good, actually made me laugh

kitch76
Part of the furniture
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Joined: April 4th, 2004, 5:18 pm

Unread post by kitch76 » February 22nd, 2010, 8:14 pm

She Was So Blonde....

- At the bottom of an application where it says 'sign here' she wrote"Sagittarius".
- She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
- She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
- She tried to sort M&Ms alphabetically.
- She sold her car for petrol money.
- When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said,"airport left" she turned around and went home.
- When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, She moved.
- She thought if she spoke her mind, She'd be speechless.
- She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evenings.
I owe I owe so its off to work I go........

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